


In Your Head

by Atom_of_the_black_lagoon



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Bodyswap, Established Relationship, KuroFai Olympics, KuroFai Olympics 2020, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Injuries, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25899223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atom_of_the_black_lagoon/pseuds/Atom_of_the_black_lagoon
Summary: For those of you who deal with mental health issues on a daily basis, this probably wasn't that angsty, but I still wanted to kinda show what Fai would/will have to deal with post-series. This was cathartic to write and it was pretty much the only thing my brain would let me write this summer (covid and all).This is part of the 2020 KuroFai Olympics so if you want to 'judge' this fic that would be great!Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment and follow the link to vote!https://forms.gle/FLNVYFdMuLfraGkKA
Relationships: Fay D. Fluorite & Kurogane, Fay D. Fluorite/Kurogane
Comments: 11
Kudos: 32
Collections: 2020 KuroFai Olympics - Fluff vs Angst





	In Your Head

“I wasn’t sure this place was really haunted when they told us about it, but looking at it now, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.” Fai looked down the hill at the dilapidated stone castle. Kurogane and Syaoran crested the hill just after him and grimaced at the menacing appearance of their destination. It loomed large in the landscape, white limestone blocks stacked into round towers, some fallen into crumbling piles on the overgrown lawn. The trees and vines had mostly taken over and obscured a better part of the castle. The path they walked down was mostly overgrown as well, the cobblestone giving way to the weeds underfoot. 

“I’m sure there were other ways to get enough money for an inn!” Kurogane scowled as they started down the path towards the castle. 

“Yeah, but it’s a big reward and it shouldn't be as hard since we’re magic users.” Fai looked down at the notes the magistrate had made for them. “Haunted Castle, terrifying ghost, 100 years old, physically assaults anyone who gets too close, steals sheep?” 

“Spooky, spooky!!” Mokona chimed in from Syaoran’s hood. 

“Well, hopefully our magic  _ will _ make it easy to deal with.” Syaoran looked concerned. 

“Don’t worry kid, nothing we can’t take!” Kurogane gave Syaoran’s hair a tussle. “Let’s spread out and check the perimeter. First thing to do is confirm there really is a ghost and not a gang of sheep rustlers cashing in on superstitions.” 

They split up and made their way around the house in opposite directions. Syaoran went one way while Fai followed Kurogane in the other. They walked in silence for a few moments before Kurogane turned around to glance at Fai with narrowed eyes, ‘What? Didn’t trust me enough?” Kurogane’s words had some bite to it.

“Kuro,” Fai looked down at the ground as they made their way around one of the castle's towers. “Last night ... that’s not what I meant.” 

“Sure sounded like it was.” Kurogane said without even looking back at him. 

“I do trust you, I just didn’t ...” Fai bit his lip and tried to find the words, but before he could, Kurogane’s head whipped around.

“Did you hear that? Syaoran?” Kurogane called out. 

“I’m here.” Came his voice from a ways away. “I’m fine, but I heard that too and it wasn’t me.” The older men hurried around the base of another tower until Syaoran was in sight. “It sounded like it was coming from inside.” 

“I didn’t hear anything; what was it?” Fai looked back and forth between them. 

“It was like a howl or something, kinda like a dog, but not quite.” Syaoran looked a bit shaken as he spoke. 

“Either way, nothing out to see out here.” Kurogane said as he turned back towards the main entrance. 

The large wooden doors hung on rusted hinges and loomed large over the entrance path. It took all 3 of them to push the decaying wood open far enough to wedge themselves in. 

The moment they stepped in, they heard a loud creek, followed by a sharp cracking sound. Fai looked around frantically, but didn’t have time to react before the floor gave way into a million splinters. Fai tried to reach out for Syaoran, but there wasn’t enough time. He felt his legs buckle under him as he landed, his chest thrown forward as he made contact with a large chunk of the broken wood. His ears rang and his vision went blurry for a moment before everything went white and shimmery. Fai could feel some magic take hold of him for just a moment before everything went dark.

Fai’s head felt fuzzy as he tried to open his eyes. He was dizzy and disorientated. His left arm stung painfully, but other than that, he seemed ok. He looked up to where they had fallen from, but found that everything was slightly blurry. It didn’t look like they had fallen too far, maybe 10 feet or so. He looked over at his companions only to see himself doubled over onto a pile of splintered wood. 

“Am I dead?” Fai said out loud. The moment he spoke he realized what happened. When he spoke, Kurogane’s voice came out. He looked down and realized his hands weren’t his own. His legs were too long, his boots too big, his teeth felt strange in his mouth. He was in Kurogane’s body. He frantically looked around the room. Syaoran was sitting up blinking slowly, but he seemed to be ok. Fai jolted forward towards his own body, but immediately fell flat on his face. He yanked his head back up and reached out towards himself. “Kuro?” 

He watched his own eyes open slowly and his brow furrow in fear and pain. “Fuck.” He heard his own voice stutter. His hands went up to his face and he stared back in horror. “What?” 

“Kuro are you hurt?” Fai said in Kurogane’s voice. 

“What the fuck?” Kurogane said in Fai's voice. It was strange to hear himself sound so angry and intense. 

“Are you hurt?” Fai repeated. He could feel himself start to get a bit irritated with the lack of response. 

He saw his own eyes turn to face the floor again as Kurogane sank down and pulled Fai’s shaking hands up to his head. “What’s wrong with me?” He clenched his teeth and started breathing faster. “What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?” He started yelling as he gripped Fai’s head in what seemed to be pain. 

“KURO!” Fai yelled at him. 

Kurogane turned Fai’s blue eyes to meet his own with shock and horror in them. “Fai?” He managed to squeak out while staring at himself. “Fai. Fai, what? I’m … I’m you?” He groaned and pressed his hands back to his head. “Oh, fuck, why does it hurt to think? Why won’t it stop? Why won’t it fucking SLOW DOWN?” He yelled and clenched his teeth. 

“Oh shit.” Fai said under his breath. He knew what was wrong. “Kuro, Kuro listen. You need to take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.” 

Kurogane held shaky eye contact as he breathed in and held it, waiting for Fai to exhale before he followed suit. Kurogane repeated the exercise several times before Fai spoke. “It looks like this was some kind of magical trap and our consciousnesses switched bodies.” 

Fai saw his own head whip up. A vicious glare that he was used to seeing on Kurogane’s face was now on his own. “NO fucking SHIT!” Kurogane snapped at him. Almost immediately, Fai watched his own eyes go wide in terror and he recoiled slightly.

“And there’s the guilt and fear, right on queue.” Fai said in Kurogane’s voice. 

They heard Mokona’s voice from the top of the pit calling down to them. “Fai? Kuro-pu?” They whimpered slightly. 

“We’re here Mokona!” Fai called up, still slightly startled by Kurogane’s voice coming out of his mouth. “If you can find a safe way down, join us, but if not, stay up there.” 

“This is not what I intended.” He was interrupted by Syaoran’s voice. He was staring at his own hands in confusion for a moment, “Am I a child now? That’s … inconvenient.” 

Fai could feel the rage start to rise inside of him. “You’re not Syaoran! Who the fuck ARE YOU?” He yelled without hesitation. Hearing the insanity of his own voice shocked him. “How am I this angry already?” 

“Sorry.” Came Syaoran’s voice, but the cadence was off. “You’re quite right, it was a magical trap, but it was only met for 1 person, I didn’t think I’d catch 3.”

“Where’s Syaoran?” Kurogane said in Fai’s voice as he tried to get up. He was able to get to his knees before he flinched in pain. 

“Sorry about that.” The person who now possessed Syaoran spoke as he struggled to his feet. “Your friend is … safe, but a bit, eh … incorporeal.”

“You’re the ghost!” Fai snapped at him. 

“Yes, I am none other than the ghost of Ogrodzieniec Castle, Bartosz Lewandowski, mage of the Rzeszowski court.” He stood there for a moment as if he was waiting for a reaction from them, but when he received none, he offered Syaoran’s hand out to help them up. 

Fai pulled away from him and sat back on his heels, trying to control the anger that was welling up inside him. 

“Oh shit.” Fai heard his own voice say softly. Kurogane pulled his hand back from his chest with drips of blood running down. 

“Kuro!” Fai crawled over to him and helped him sit up. Peeling away his outer cloak, Fai saw a chunk of wood had splintered and made its way through the cloak and into his chest. Fai helped him lean back against the wall of the pit and yanked his shirt up to mid chest, being careful not to pull at the wood. 

“It doesn’t look like the wood is very deep, but that whole piece must’ve punched you in the chest. It’s already starting to bruise.” 

Mokona hopped down to land next to them and reached out towards Fai, “Are you ok?” 

“No, I’m not.” Kurogane said firmly in Fai’s voice. 

“He’s also not Fai. Mokona, can you give me an alcohol wipe and some bandages?” Mokona popped them out of their mouth and gave Fai a confused look. “I’m going to pull these out. Stay still.” 

“Do I have a concussion? Why does my head hurt this much?” Kurogane said in Fai’s voice. It sounded too soft and hesitant to be coming from Kurogane. 

“You probably don’t, but I’ll check in a minute.” Fai gently pried out the splinters and wiped up the blood trickled down.. “Yeah, they aren't very deep. Can you breathe ok?”

Kurogane nodded.

“Ok, I don’t think they’ve hurt anything vital. Here, let me see your eyes. I’ll check for dilation, but I don’t think you have a concussion. Did you hit your head? Does it hurt on the outside anywhere?”

Fai pulled Kurogane’s head up and placed his hands on either side to hold him steady. It felt so strange to stare into his own blue eyes. He covered them with his hand for a moment and took it away again to watch his pupils dilate. 

“I don’t think so.” Kurogane scrunched Fai’s face up. 

“You don’t have a concussion.” 

“Then why do I feel like my head is splitting open?” Kurogane said in Fai’s voice with a pitiful whimper. 

“Because that’s kinda what my head feels like normally.” Fai counted off on his fingers, “Let me see, racing thoughts, and an exhausted, pervasive sense of dread? Intense feelings of guilt and shame? You hate everything about yourself, would rather just roll over and die?”

“YES!” Kurogane shouted in his face. “HOW DO YOU MAKE IT STOP??”

“I have to switch us back.” Fai stood up and lifted his hands to start a spell. He moved his fingers, but nothing happened. He turned to Bartosz who was currently inhabiting Syaoran’s body. “SWITCH US BACK!” Fai started to advance towards him. 

He put his hands up. “Please, I just need some help, then I’ll return you.” 

“No, now!” Fai towered over him in Kurogane’s body and grabbed him by the collar. 

“I um... I actually can’t just yet. This body has magic, but not the kind I can use.” 

Fai could feel himself getting more and more enraged as he stared down at this entity infesting Syaoran’s body. But it was Syaoran’s eyes that stared back at him. His rage slowly started to fade and he let go of Syaoran’s collar. “What needs to happen to fix this?” He said, trying to sound calm. 

“I just need to return the book. I ... took it a long time ago and have to return it, but I couldn’t leave the castle in my ethereal form.” 

A piercing howl interrupted them. They all looked around frantically. Fai felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. After the initial howl, a soft sob followed and Fai looked over at Kurogane. 

“Syaoran!” Mokona hopped up on some rubble with a look of distress. 

“Here, there’s a door leading out of here. Let me just find the correct trigger.” Bartosz pushed the rubble out of the way, tapping the bricks until he found one that gave way. He pushed it in and they heard a slight click. “Here, help me with this.” He motioned to Fai over to the wall and started pushing against a group of blocks. Together, they were able to push the blocks aside, opening up to a small corridor covered in cobwebs and dust. 

“Kuro, can you walk?” Fai reached out his hand. Kurogane took it and pulled himself up. He clutched at his chest and grit his teeth, but stayed up. Fai just stared at him. 

“What?“ Kurogane gave him an indignant look. 

“It’s just weird looking at myself like this.” 

“Fai, I need to talk to you. This is ... “ He put his hands to his head. “I don’t know how to....” Fai could hear his voice shake as they made their way slowly down the corridor. “I feel like I'm gonna die. You said this is normal, but this doesn’t feel normal. What’s wrong with me right now?” 

“I know it feels that way, but you aren’t going to die. I ... You’ll get used to it in a bit.” 

“No. Fai please. It feels like my brain is going to unravel. Why, why is this happening?” 

At the end of the corridor was a small set of tight stairs. Mokona hopped up before them as Fai helped Kurogane up.

“Fai,” Kurogane said, “I ... I need you to explain it to me. Please.” 

The ghost opened a short wooden door at the top of the stairs. The bedroom beyond was dilapidated and covered in dust. He walked straight over to the bed and knelt down to reach under the broken boards to pull out a satchel. He blew off the dust and flipped it open to reveal the spine of a thick book. “After so many years, I get to hold it in my hands again.” 

Fai helped Kurogane to sit with his back against the wall and walked over to the ghost possessing Syaoran. He grabbed the whole satchel out of the boy's hands. 

“Wait, you said you would help me?” 

Fai spoke through gritted teeth. “And we will. But we need, just...“ He clenched his fist and tried to take a deep breath. “We just need 10 minutes. Just leave us alone for 10 minutes.” He glared at him until Bartosz started to walk back towards the door. 

Fai didn’t move until the door had closed behind them. He knelt down next to his own body. He could feel the frustration turning to tears as he tried to find the words to explain to Kurogane

“When ... when you’ve gone through all the shit I’ve gone through, that’s just ... how my head is. It’s not good and I’m paranoid about everything all the time, but I don’t really know how to make it stop.” 

Kurogane didn’t say anything, just stared back at Fai in horror. Fai couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his cheek. In Kurogane’s body, this was somehow easier to talk about.

“I’ve been told I was a curse. I was locked in a graveyard and told it was my fault. My brother was killed and that was my fault too. I was manipulated and used and told I deserved it, that I should be grateful. I was so sure that I was the problem. That I was an omen of death and destruction. That my life was just ... an inconvenience to everyone around me. And now... now i know that’s not true, but it doesn’t really matter. My brain is still the same. I feel like if I’m not somehow perfect, I’m gonna wake up and all of this will just unravel before my eyes. And I can’t help but feel like it’s gonna be my fault when it happens.”

Fai stopped for a long moment. As he spoke about all of those, he expected to feel the shame and fear that would normally come along with talking about his past so candidly, but it was absent. He felt sad, but the shame was missing. He looked over at Kurogane. 

“And this is what that feels like?” He said quietly. 

“Yeah. That’s what it feels like.” 

“Isn’t there any way to turn it off?” 

“Not really. Alcohol helps. Sex helps. You help. It’s honestly been better since I’ve met you and the kids. But, I mean, I don’t know how to just turn it off.” 

Before they could continue, another howl ripped through the room. Mokona lept into Fai’s arms. The three of them watched as the room filled with a hazy mist. An apparition that looked like Syaoran walked through the wall.

Mokona reached out to him, “Syaoran!” 

He didn’t appear to have seen them. He just floated through the room, sobbing and wailing. The sounds he was making were inhuman, but still recognizable. After a moment they could make out some of the wails into individual words. 

“Saaaaakkkurrrraaaaaa.” He wailed moranfully. “Faaaaaaaaaatherrrrrr? Mooootherrrrrr?” He looked like he was searching for them. “Where are youuuu?” 

“Syaoran, we’re right here!” Mokona jumped off Fai’s lap and towards Syaoran’s ghost. “Syaoran?” 

“I don’t think he can hear or see us.” Fai reached out for Mokona. 

“Oh, he’s so sad!” Mokona climbed back into Fai’s arms with their ears drooping. 

“Poor kid.” Fai said, feeling his heart ache for Syaoran. He could almost feel the longing that Syaoran must be feeling. It hurt to watch him search in pain for people who weren’t there. “Syaoran...we’ll fix this.”

He continued walking until he phased out of the wall. The door opened and Syoran's body walked through. “We ready?” He said impatiently. 

Fai looked back at his own body, waiting for confirmation for Kurogane. 

“Yeah.” he said reluctantly. 

“Is it going to be safe to leave him here?” Fai gestured to the wall that Syaoran’s ghost had passed through. 

“Yes, he’s confined to the castle.” 

Fai stood up and reached his hand out to Kurogane. He nodded and pulled himself up, holding his chest in pain as he stood. 

“Who are we returning this to?” Fai said, lifting up the satchel with the book in it. Mokona hopped onto his shoulder 

They started out of the bedroom as Bartosz spoke. “I stole it from a coven of witches south of here. It should only take a day to get down to where their encampment was.”

“Wait, wasn’t that like a hundred years ago?” Fai glared at him.

“Yes, it was, but I believe the coven still exists. Otherwise the curse would have dissolved. Perhaps their descendants?” 

“It’s in the book right?” Fai clarified as he pulled the book out of the satchel and opened it as they left the castle. 

“I doubt you’ll be able to decipher it, I was fooled by it and I was a court magician.” The arrogance in his voice was deeply uncharacteristic of Syaoran and it made Fai cringe. 

Fai opened the book and studied the inside for a moment. He closed it and had to take a few deep breaths to keep his rage under control. “This is a simple BOOK CURSE! It’s just to prevent theft. I don’t even read your language and I can tell what it is.” He turned back around to Kurogane, “Are you always this angry?”

“Only when I have to deal with idiots.” Kurogane said in a tired voice looking over at Bartosz before they started on the trail away from the castle

The magistrate had given them a map of the area and they made their way south. The trail wound through a dense forest and it was rough going. Soon it was evening they were struggling to see the trail in front of them. They decided to make camp in a small clearing alongside the path. 

Fai helped Kuorgane find a comfortable spot to sit down while Bartosz gathered up some dry wood for a fire. 

“Mokona, do you have our sleeping bags?” Fai asked as he leaned down to inspect the injury to his body. Kurogane winced and looked up at Fai. 

“Fai, how do you deal with this all the time? I’m so tired.” 

“I know. But don’t worry, tomorrow we’ll find the people who own this book and get ourselves switched back.” Fai turned around to glare at the ghost that possessed Syaoran through the trees.

Kurogane reached his hands up to rest them on Fai’s “That’s not what I mean.” 

Fai turned back to him and he was met with a pained expression in his own blue eyes. 

“Even when we switch back, you still have to deal with this.” 

“I’m used to it Kuro. I’ve been this way for years.” 

“That doesn’t make it ok!” Kurogane finally looked up to make eye contact. 

Fai wasn’t sure how to respond and just looked away trying to think of what to say. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kurogane continued to look up at him. There was no anger in those blue eyes, only concern and a hint of betrayal. 

Fai sat with the question for a moment. It was easier to think about himself from within Kurogane’s head. His brain didn’t automatically turn to guilt and fear. “I didn’t want you to know.” 

“Fai, it hurts in here. It hurts way more than my chest. I mean, I knew you had scars from your past, but ...” He looked down and trembled slightly as he spoke, “I had no idea how much pain you were in.” 

“I didn’t know if you would still want to be with me if you knew.” 

“I’m gonna keep loving you, no matter what. I choose to be here. To keep traveling with you because that’s what I want.” 

Fai reached down and took his hands. It was so much easier to just accept Kurogane’s words at face value when he wasn’t in his own head. “Thank you. And I’m sorry you have to be in there for now.”

“I’m sorry you have to be in here normally.” Kurogane shook his head. 

“Let me change your bandages.” Fai went to work undoing the bandage. Normally after a difficult conversation with Kurogane, he would be dissecting everything that was said, but now he found his mind uncharacteristically clear. He could hear birds chirping and frogs calling through the evening air. He felt the slight breeze through the trees. He felt ok and he let himself sit with it for a moment. Looking down at Kurogane he knew the same was not true for him. 

“Are you just replaying the conversation in your head endlessly?” 

“Yeah. Why do I feel like I said something wrong?” 

“You didn’t say anything wrong. That’s just my brain’s need to psychoanalyze everything everyone says all the time.” Fai sighed. 

“Is that why you always look like you’re gonna be sick after we have a serious conversation?”

“Yeah.” 

Fai finished up with the bandages Bartosz walked back to camp with a pile of wood. 

“Say, do you chaps have anything to eat? I’ve been incorporeal for so long, it didn’t even occur to me that I would need substance.” 

Fai huffed and felt himself getting angry again. “Mokona, do you have any of that pizza left over from the last world.” 

“Mokona has Hawaiian pizza for you!” They said and popped out a big pizza box. 

“Thanks.” Fai opened the box to reveal 4 leftover slices of pineapple and ham pizza. He passed one to the ghost who looked in shock at Mokona.

“What is this creature? A benevolent spirit? A bottomless golem?”   


“Mokona is Mokona!” They yelled at him and hopped over to grab their own slice of pizza. 

“Here, let me pick this off for you, they taste itchy.” Fai grabbed a slice for Kurogane. 

“They taste itchy?” Kurogane squinted his eyes in confusion. “What does that even mean? Here give me one of them.” 

Fai reluctantly handed over a slice of pineapple. Kurogane chewed on it for a few moments before shooting Fai a patronizing look. “Fai, you’re allergic to pineapple.” 

“What? But I never throw up.”

“You don’t have to throw up to be allergic to something. Your throat, well my throat is swelling up a bit. You’re allergic to pineapple. Itchy isn’t a taste, it’s an allergic reaction.” 

“Oh. Well... you need glasses.” Fai returned the patronizing look. “Your vision is terrible.” 

“My vision is fine!” Kurogane said defensively.

“No, it’s blurry, you definitely need glasses.” 

Kurogane huffed and ate the pizza that Fai handed to him, stripped of the pineapple. 

After they ate, they set up camp with their 3 sleeping bags and a small fire. 

Fai sat down on top of his sleeping bag. “Checked the perimeter. There’s a little pond nearby but it didn’t look like there were any people. We should be safe for tonight.”

“I get it now.” Kurogane said quietly from his sleeping bag. “I understand what happened last night.”

Fai leaned down next to him. “I do trust you.” He said with a sad, almost resigned voice. “I just can’t let myself off the hook for anything that might happen.” 

“Yeah, I feel like even though you checked everything out, if anything happens to us tonight, it’ll be my fault.” Kurogane scrunched up his face in a pained expression. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry Kuro. I do trust you. I mean ... I sure wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as you if I didn’t.” 

“Ew.” Bartosz interjected from the other side of the fire. “He’s not a girl right?” He squinted gesturing to Kurogane in Fai’s body. 

Normally Fai would feel ashamed at being so blatantly called out, but now all he felt was an almost overwhelming desire to deck the fucker. Instead, he sat up and reached over with his left hand to pull the satchel out from behind him. The moment he lifted it’s full weight up, there was piercing pain all through his left arm. He dropped it and scowled at kurogane. “And another thing, why didn’t you tell me about THAT?” He didn’t wait for an answer and turned right back to Bartosz, picking the satchel up with his right hand and holding it over the fire. “If you have _ an issue _ with the people who are  _ so _ kindly helping you, we can find out what this curse would do if the book were to be  destroyed !” 

“No no no, no issue, no issues here.” Bartosz held up his hands. It made Fai just as mad to see him act so out of character in Syaoran’s body. 

He sighed and lay the satchel back down before turning to Kurogane. 

He shrugged. “You can’t put full weight on it yet. The muscles between the arm and my shoulder aren’t fully integrated.” 

Fai looked down at him pensively. “Did you not tell me because you thought I would feel guilty?”

“Was I wrong?” 

“No. But I do want to help. I can carry more stuff or ...” 

“How about we agree to tell each other when we are in pain from now on?” Kurogane gave Fai a pointed look.    


Fai nodded reluctantly. “I don't know how good I’ll be at it, but I’m willing to try.” 

He stared into his own blue eyes for a moment before kneeling down for a kiss. He could hear the ghost shift uncomfortably and threw his left arm up to flip him off without breaking the kiss. 

* * *

Fai woke up to the blue sky peeking through the trees. He could barely hear the birds chirping over the rumbling of his stomach. He suddenly remembered everything that had happened the day before and shot up in bed. Frantically around he found the satchel next to him. Looking around their camp, he saw Bartosz was still asleep next to Mokona. A few yards away Kurogane was sitting on a rock facing away from the camp and into the woods. Fai slowly made his way over, trying to ignore his stomach. 

He sat down in front of him and took a good look at his own face. Kurogane looked back to him with purple bags under his eyes and unkempt hair. “I take it you didn’t sleep well?” He whispered.

Kurogane shook his head and grimaced. “Fai, what the hell? That was the worst night of sleep I’ve had since... I don’t even know.” 

“Yeah, sorry, I should have warned you about that...”   


“What the hell is your brain trying to do to you?”

“I don’t really know, I think it’s ironically trying to keep alive.”

“By giving you one horrific nightmare after another?” 

“Yeah, it wants me to plan for when those things might happen. It’s like a ... test run.”

“Oh my god. I understand why you are so damn tired all the time.”

“Yeah, it’s not great.”

“If I wasn’t so oppressively tired, I would be angry right now.” 

“Wait why?” 

Kurogane gave him an indignant look. “How old are you Fai?”

“Uh...” Fai said in confusion. “You know I don’t actually know.”

“Exactly. So you don’t even know how many years you’ve been dealing with this, how many years you’ve had nightmares, how many years you’ve been exhausted, the pervasive guilt, the paranoia. I’ve only been in your head for one day and I already want to smash my head into a rock! When...” Kurogane’s voice caught as Fai saw tears spring to his eyes. “When was the last time you felt ok?”

“I...” Fai started but had to stop. He stared back at his own body, slumped over, exhausted and near tears. How long had he been like this? He didn’t know. He just shook his head. 

“Why aren’t you angry about it?” Kurogane was trying to whisper, but his emotions were getting the better of him. 

Fai shook his head again, “Why would I be angry about it?” 

Kurogane openly stared at him in shock. “I saw your memories. How could you not be mad at them?”

“At who?”

The expression Kurogane made with Fai’s face was one that Fai had seen him make a thousand times before. It was the expression he made when the kids were in danger, when someone was trying to hurt one of their party, but it looked so out of place on Fai’s face. 

“At all of them. At your grandfather? At your mother? At your country? At Fei Wong Reed? At Ashura? Aren’t you angry?” 

Fai stammered for an answer. “They... they were just doing... I mean Fei Wong Reed was yeah, he was bad ... but my grandfather was just trying to do what was best for his country and Ashura was clearly disturbed.”

“He manipulated you! He used you!” 

Fai shrugged. “He ... he...” 

“Fai, they hurt you and they hurt your brother.” A look of realization came over Kurogane’s face. “Did you think you deserved it? Do you still think that? Fai, do you blame yourself for the things that happened to you?” 

Fai was openly crying now. “It’s not ... it’s not anyone’s fault. I thought for a long time I was actually cursed, but I don’t really believe that anymore. I just ... that’s just the way it was. What happened, happened.” 

“Fai.” Kurogane got up off the rock and knelt down in front of Fai, wrapping his arms around him. It was awkward because Kurogane’s body was so much taller than Fai’s, but it felt right just the same. They stayed like that for a few moments before Fai felt Kurogane relax onto his shoulders. “Fai, you don’t have to be angry, but I just, I just don’t want you to think that your abuse is your fault. I don’t understand it, but if you want to talk about it later, I’m not gonna be upset or anything. I’m fine with talking to you about this stuff... ya know.. When you’re ready.” He sighed and leaded into Fai further, “Damn, you’re right. This does help. Fuck I’m so tired. How the hell do stay so fucking perky all the time?” 

Fai chuckled, “That would be a potent mix of hyper awareness, never wanting to show any weaknesses and espresso.” 

“Can I just...” Kurogane said, shifting in Fai’s lap to get comfortable. Fai tried to mimic the way Kurogane sat when he held him. Kurogane rested his head against Fai’s shoulders and Fai ran his hands through the blonde, out of control hair. It always made him feel better when Kurogane did that for him, so he hoped it would help. After a minute, Fai knew it had worked when he could hear the slight humm as Kurogane’s breathing leveled out. He would let him sleep at least until the others woke up. 

* * *

It took them another 5 hours to make their way south of the castle to where Bartosz remembered the coven had lived. There was something there, but it looked more like a small village than an encampment. There were shops and well built houses, they even had a village square. 

Bartosz walked up to one of the shop fronts. “Where is your head witch?” He said loudly. 

Fai quickly pushed past him and addressed the shopkeeper. “I’m sorry about my friend. We have an artifact that we believe originally belonged to your community. Would you be so kind as to direct us to a village elder who may be able to confirm our suspicions?” 

“Uh....” The shopkeeper stared at Bartosz for a few moments before she leaned over the counter and pointed to a house just past the village square. “The high priestess lives there.” 

“Thank you very much!” Fai tried to put on his normal charming smile, but it didn’t quite work on Kurogane’s face and the shopkeeper gave him a strange look. 

He pulled the ghost’s arm away from the shop. “Just let us do the talking! You’ve already insulted these people enough!” 

They made their way through the village square towards the older house the shopkeeper had pointed out. After a few knocks, a young man opened the door. 

“Can I help you?” He looked like a stereotypical witch, dressed in black with a board pointed hat and black jewelry. He had a crow on his shoulder and a confused look on his face. 

Fai repeated his spiel. The young man showed them in and led them to some benches around a large fireplace. “The high priestess will be with you shortly.” He walked through a door and out of sight. 

Fai and Kurogane took a seat Bartosz simply paced around the room. 

They only had to wait for a few minutes before the young man came back, helping an elderly woman into the room. He helped her sit down on one of the benches and she settled in. 

“What can I do for you good travelers?” She said. 

Fai opened the satchel and pulled out the ornate book. “We believe this was taken from this village a long time ago and we’ve come to return it.” Fai handed the book over to the high priestess.

“Wait.” The ghost tried to grab for the book. “She has to agree to undo the curse first.”

Kurogane grabbed him by the shoulder and hauled him over to the bench. “ _ You _ are the one at fault here. She doesn’t  _ have _ to do anything!” He glared at Bartosz. 

The high priestess took the book from Fai and looked it over. She then turned her gaze to the ghost who was possession Syaoran’s body. She studied him carefully for a few moments before speaking, “You aren’t in your own body..... Wait a minute, are you the son of a bitch who stole this book from my grandmother?” 

His eyes went wide for a brief second before he tried to put on a fake grin. “But I’ve come to return your book!” 

She didn’t miss a beat. “You’ve come to lift the curse on yourself!” She wagged a finger at him. She opened the book and inspected the curse further. “You haven’t learned anything!” She turned to Fai and Kurogane, “And how do you two fit into this?”

“We were hired to expel the ghost from Ogrodzieniec Castle but we fell into a magical trap that was laid by him.” Fai gestured emphatically at Bartosz. 

“Ah, and that's why your spirits are all jumbled up.” She nodded and looked down at the ornate beading on the cover, slowly running her fingers over it. “My grandmother spent most of her life compiling this book. She was devastated when she discovered it was stolen. She told me stories about it and we even tried to recreate the spells, but there were several recipes that we were never able to duplicate. I never thought we would actually see it again.” 

Fai put his hand to his chest. He could almost feel the sadness and longing she was expressing through her words. He glanced over at Kurogane who seemed to be unphased. 

“I assume your natural state is a ghost, bound to that castle?” 

Bartosz reluctantly nodded. 

“And the soul that is supposed to inhabit this poor boy’s body is where?”

“Stuck at the castle.” Fai confirmed. 

“All right, well I don’t see any point in dragging you 3 down with him. He’s already dead and he’s just bothering other people at this point.” She huffed and started to stand up. 

“Why... I’m not.. ” The ghost tried to protest, but she dismissed him with a wave of her hand. 

“I will undo the curse, but you will be promptly dismissed from this mortal plane.” She motioned for the young man to help her up. 

Bartosz huffed and nodded his head. 

“Let me get a few things around then we can head out to the woods.” She walked off into another room where they heard a lot of shuffling and glass bottles clinking. “Aspen! Where do you put the good candles?” 

“In the pantry with all the rest of the candles Grandma!” They saw the young man cross through the room they were sitting through another door to what looked like a kitchen. 

Fai stood up when the high priestess returned. “Is there anything I can help with?” 

“Ah yes deary, can you put these in your bag?” She handed him several bundles of herbs and a few small jars of dried plants, which he put into the satchel with the book. 

After a minute Aspen came back out with an arm full of candles. “Will this be enough?” 

She nodded and started to walk out of the room again. “Let me get my robes on then we can go.” 

Aspen put the candles into a backpack and followed her out. 

Mokona popped his hood out of Fai’s jacket. “Are these witches bad witches or good witches?” 

“Bad witches.” Bartosz immediately said. 

“No!” Kurogane countered immediately. Everyone’s head swiveled to look at him. He had been quiet the whole time. “I can sense it. The spells that have been performed here. I don’t really know how... but I can tell they aren’t bad.” 

Fai smiled slightly and walked over to sit down next to him. “I guess you still have my magic.”

“It feels weird.” Kurogane gave him an unsettled look. “Kinda like, I’ve got a bunch of water inside my head and it’s sloshing around sometimes.” 

“How are witches not bad?” The ghost glared at them. Fai glared back but Kurogane just looked around. 

“I don’t think the magic they do would be to harm people.”

Fai spoke up. “That magic usually feels heavy like there’s smoke on the walls.” 

“Yeah, it doesn’t feel like that.”

“Witches curse people! They cursed me.”

“No,” Fai stood up to face him, blood instantly boiling. “You cursed yourself! You stole that book and she was right, you haven’t learned anything!” He took a step back and tried to calm himself down. 

“I’m waiting outside.” Bartosz crossed his arms and walked out the front door. 

Fai sat back down next to Kurogane. “Your temper is way too much for me to handle.” He said, shaking his head. 

Kurogane chuckled. “Yeah, it’s a bit much, sorry.” Fai saw his face change from amusement to guilt. 

Fai put his arm around Kurogane’s shoulder. “I know it won’t help, you don’t have to feel guilty about that.”

“It’s just right there. Like it’s waiting for me the moment I pull back. I feel guilty about who I am, I feel guilty about what I do and what I don’t do. It doesn’t matter what I do. There is no right choice is there?” 

“Uh, no, you’re gonna feel the same either way. Especially if it’s something that actually means anything.” 

“Ugh.” Kurogane shook his head. “Is that why most of the stuff you say is just fluff filler?”

“Yeah.” Fai sighed. “Yeah, pretty much.” 

They stayed like that for a few minutes with Fai’s arm wrapped around Kurogane’s shoulder. Soon however, the high priestess and Aspen came back and they were ready to depart for the forest. 

* * *

They stopped in a large clearing surrounded by giant pine trees. There was a spot in the middle for a fire, which Aspen prepared. They were soon joined by two other older witches who greeted the high priestess with hugs and small talk. They were clearly talking about their guests because the two other witches would turn and eye them for a minute before continuing their conversation. Fai sat with Kurogane and Mokona on the ground near the fire while Bartosz paced in the background. The sun was starting to sink beneath the tree by the time the high priestess indicated they were ready. 

“I need to switch your souls back first. Then I can dispel the curse.” She motioned to all four of them as the whole group sat in a circle around the low fire. 

“But you will dispel it?” Bartosz asked her somewhat accusingly. 

She gave him a perturbed look and slowly nodded. 

“How do you know I can believe you?” He looked at her suspiciously. 

“You don’t! I must remind you that you are the one in the wrong here. We owe you nothing. However, I wish to be freed from this matter as well, so I WILL dispel the curse.” She huffed and reached out her hand to Fai. Fai dug in the satchel and produced the book, handing it to her while glaring at Bartosz. “Thank you dear. Ok, let me make sure I have this right before we start. Your soul,” she pointed at Kurogane, “goes into that body,” and pointed at Fai. “And your soul goes into that body.” Fai and Kurogane both nodded and the high priestess pointed at the ghost. “And the poor soul who belongs to that body is in Ogrodzieniec Castle, is that right?”

Bartosz reluctantly nodded and sat down to complete the circle. The high priestess took Fai’s hand and indicated that they all do the same. Fai took Kurogane’s hand in his own and Kurogane gave him a sad look. “I don’t want you to have to go back to this.” 

“You’ll be here with me.” Fai tried to sound reassuring. “Besides, I got a nice vacation inside your hot head.”

Kurogane nodded and took Bartosz’s hand, who took Aspen’s hand as they completed the circle with the other two witches. The high priestess started to chant and Fai felt the wind suddenly pick up as the fire flared. Fai’s eyes felt heavy and fell shut. As he opened them again he found his chest ached and his vision was much improved. He also felt the familiar rush of thoughts. He looked over to find Kurogane reaching out for Syaoran who was starting to fall backwards. 

“Syaoran!” Fai called out and rushed over to him. Kurogane pulled him up to rest on his shoulder as Fai spoke to him. “Syaoran, are you back with us?”

“Fai?” He said, still blinking in confusion. 

“Oh Syaoran!” Fai threw his arms around the boy and nearly cried. After a moment Fai felt Syaoran’s arm wrap around him as well and heard the sound of muffled crying from under him. 

“I take it that worked?” The high priestess nodded at them. 

“Yes, thank you.” Kurogane said as the priestess turned her attention to the book at her side. She opened it up and ripped out the first page, where the curse was inscribed. She crumpled it up and threw it into the fire, chanting as she did so. 

“And ... it is finished.” She said, wiping her hands. 

Fai continued to hold Syaoran who quietly cried in his arms as Mokona hopped up to join them and snuggled into Syaoran’s hair. 

* * *

The high priestess was kind enough to let the group stay the night in her guest bedroom. There was only one bed, but it was big enough for the three of them. The small window was propped open as soft rain fell through the forest, landing on the roof of the small souse. Syaoran was already asleep, curled up into Kurogane’s side. He had fallen asleep the moment they had laid down and was now snoring lightly. 

Fai was laying on Kurogane’s right shoulder and appreciating his ability to see the grains in the wooden shingles above him. “Have you never had glasses?” 

“I don’t need glasses.” Kurogane whispered back. 

“You’ve used my eyes, how can you still think you don’t need glasses?” 

“Just because my vision isn’t as good as yours doesn't mean I need glasses.” 

Fai decided to drop the matter, at least until they got to a world with contact lenses. He thought back over the rest of the day. “Kuro, do you always feel other people’s emotions like that?” 

Kurogane glanced down at him in confusion. 

“When the high priestess was talking about the book being taken from her grandmother, I could feel the pain as she spoke. I felt what I thought she was feeling. Is it always like that for you?” 

Kurogane nodded but stayed quiet. “Yeah, I didn’t notice it, but when I was in your head, I didn’t feel any of that.”

“I felt it with Syaoran too. Every time I thought about him, it felt like my chest was being ripped out.” Kurogane didn’t respond, he just reached up and ran his fingers through Fai’s hair. “Wait, does everyone feel other people’s emotions?” Fai asked with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Hmmm. I don’t think everyone does. I know Toyomo used to say that it happens more strongly in some people, like me, which is why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone for the longest time. It hurt.” 

Fai rolled over and rested his hand on Kurognane’s chest. “I’m glad you finally did.” 

Kurogane just nodded. They stayed like that for a few moments until Fai furrowed his brow. “Kuro, I ...” He looked up at the ninja. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get better.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I may never stop being paranoid or suspicious. The guilt might never go away. I can’t promise I’ll get any better. I mean, I’ll try...” Fai was clearly getting worked up now as he turned his eyes away from Kurogane. “... but I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be ok. I may never be able to just... take you at your word without over analyzing everything you say. I ...” 

“Fai.” Kurogane said sternly. “I know.” He held eye contact with the mage before reaching up and caressing Fai’s cheek. “I’ve only ever known you like this, and well as a vampire too I guess.” He smiled gently at Fai. “I love you as you are. If you never change, I’ll still love you. No matter what.” 

Fai felt the tears start to well in his eyes and he lay his face down on Kurogane’s chest. He stayed there, his head turning the words over and over again, trying it’s hardest to strip them of their meaning. His thoughts were interrupted by Kurogane’s thumb coming down to wipe the tears off his cheek. He started to apologize. “I’m so...” He stopped himself and looked into Kurogane’s red eyes. “Thank you.” 

Kurogane smiled back at him and pushed his messy bangs back from his face. Fai let his head rest back down on Kurogane’s chest and breathed deeply. The smell of the rain and the forest mingled with the familiar scent of Kurogane’s shirt. He may still have nightmares when he finally fell asleep, when when he woke up, he knew Kurogane would be there, waiting for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who deal with mental health issues on a daily basis, this probably wasn't that angsty, but I still wanted to kinda show what Fai would/will have to deal with post-series. This was cathartic to write and it was pretty much the only thing my brain would let me write this summer (covid and all). 
> 
> This is part of the 2020 KuroFai Olympics so if you want to 'judge' this fic that would be great!   
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment and follow the link to vote!  
> https://forms.gle/FLNVYFdMuLfraGkKA


End file.
